My Journey, The scrappy edition.

Remember my rant?

I'm taking a cue from the wonderful Cathy Z and documenting my journey through this weight loss craziness.

A picture every month or so and some thoughts and stats jotted down for good measure.

Here is what I did from my original May 23rd picture and blog post:

Nothing like using up the pink papers in my stash to document yourself!

And in other news, it will be five weeks tomorrow since I started my weight loss journey.

I've lost 13 pounds!

4 inches from my waist, 1/2 inch from neck and hips.

I cant say that I have done anything really dramatic.

Okay that is a lie, I don't eat as much as I did before.

I'm not dieting per say but I am using My Fitness Pal to keep track of the amount of calories I eat each day and logging  my exercises, which consists of a 30 minute fast paced walk as often as I can squeeze it in.

I did some "research"  and figured out how many calories I would need to eat every day to maintain my weight, then deducted 500 per day.

Apparently for every 3500 calories extra you eat you gain a pound.  Who knew?

I still don't eat chocolate bars or baked goods, homemade or otherwise but I do allow room for treats, mainly ice cream.

Way more fruit, way more veggies.

And allot of dinners from this magazine which FYI are fantastic!
 
I try not to let myself feel guilty if I slip over my daily calorie intake, which I have done on more than one occasion during my vacation.

I talk about calories ALL THE TIME.  I'm sure my family is sick of hearing about it, but if I don't talk about it I won't stick with it.

And that is what I have done.

Soon I will replace my nightly walks with morning gym visits, and I am hoping that I will start to see some other changes in my body.  ( mainly from the butt/ thigh region)

Wish me luck...AGAIN!

Oh to be a Beach Bum again...

I'm not to sure if you saw my post down below about  becoming a better me, but I mentioned several things that I was struggling with in reference to my body image right now.

This feeling has been lingering for some time but I think a project that I had to do for Tina really pushed me to make some changes in my life.

She gave me this beachy piece of paper to work with from Paper House Productions:

I'm not going to lie to you, I was extremely intimidated by creating something that stayed true to my style with this piece of paper.

I dug through some old photos from over 15 years ago looking for pictures of me in St.  Maarten.  I went there after completing my first year of University as a reward for doing well.

I don't often daydream about the beach, but lately I could trade in my life leading my team  and bringing you fabulous for less, and hang with the kiddos all day in a tropical paradise.

Anyhow, I came across two of me on the beach, one clothed and one not so much and had a good stare at myself.  Two things came to mind.

1.  I had the best tan that I had ever had in my life
2. At the time I thought I was on the pudgy side.

So silly, really when I think about it because I was no bigger than a size 8, yet I didn't like myself then.

Why do we do that to ourselves?  It is totally and ridiculously crazy.

I used those two pictures to make a page using that paper:

(You can click to enlarge at your own risk)

As you can see I cut the paper in half and used the beach portion of it to go with my photos.  You can't tell in the picture but all the tan areas are actually sand paper to mimic the sand.

I have this Layout above my desk where I think it will stay for a while to remind me to be kinder and gentler to myself and as inspiration of a look that I may like to achieve.

Happy Wednesday Peeps.

A better me

I have been in a slump for a couple of weeks.

Nothing seems to pull me completely out.

The problem is me.

I don't like me very much right now.

Somehow over the past 5 years I lost myself.

I don't really miss her, that 32 year old self, but rather how she looked.

Funny thing about that 32 year old me, she didn't like herself either and wanted to be the 23 year old her.

I don't want back my youth, I just want back my body.

My tummy that I was once proud to show.

My arms that I would think nothing of baring.

My legs that used to be slim.

Now I look in the mirror and I don't see much of anything I like.

I'm getting wrinkles and still battling acne.

My eyebrows are in need of a good wax, instead of a pluck or two.

My hair could use some highlights.

And my body needs a whole new overhaul.

I have been feeling like this for almost a year.

I let myself go when I was pregnant with J because I bounced back pretty quick with M.

I wasn't perfect, but I could still shop most places.

Now I feel trapped with my choices.

I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of stores that I have no interest in shopping in, but panicking when I need something new to wear.

Last summers clothes are getting tight....How the hell did that happen?

Food, no will power, no restraint.

At 194, I feel like a blob and I have no idea how to start, how to say no, how to change.

I read this blog daily and she brought up an interesting point.

Why is it that when our kids come to us upset, hurt,or frustrated that we help them figure out what the problem is and not stick a bowl of ice cream in front of them.

Why cant I apply that concept to my life, 'cause I'll have you know that when mama has a bad day she heads straight to the bakery isle.

I know part of it is that I'm tired.

I have slept entirely through the night without waking ONCE in four years.  I am not lying either.

And it is a catch 22, I need energy to exercise but I know exercising will give me energy.

I don't want to go East in a few weeks and know that people are saying to each other, "wow, she'd put on weight!"

I don't want to stand beside the skinny girl anymore and think that I could never look like that, because I know somewhere in me I have the power to change.

But the truth is I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail.

And that has to be the most pathetic thing I have ever felt.

So tomorrow I start on my journey, one that will be harder for me than quitting smoking.

I have no idea where it is going to take me.

I have no idea what I am going to do.

I have no idea if I will succeed.

I know I have to say goodbye to some foods because I do not know the meaning of moderation, but I'm not sure that deprivation  is a healthy attitude either. 

I know I don't want to have to wrap a towel around me tightly when I get out the shower so my husband wont catch a glimpse of naked me.

I know I have to exercise.

I know I need help.

So tonight I am saying goodbye to this version of me:

And hello to a better me.

When I get there, I think I will reward myself with this.

And if you have any tips, tricks, recipes, inspiration or anything you think might help me in my journey, link me up.  I'd love some more motivation!