A better me

I have been in a slump for a couple of weeks.

Nothing seems to pull me completely out.

The problem is me.

I don't like me very much right now.

Somehow over the past 5 years I lost myself.

I don't really miss her, that 32 year old self, but rather how she looked.

Funny thing about that 32 year old me, she didn't like herself either and wanted to be the 23 year old her.

I don't want back my youth, I just want back my body.

My tummy that I was once proud to show.

My arms that I would think nothing of baring.

My legs that used to be slim.

Now I look in the mirror and I don't see much of anything I like.

I'm getting wrinkles and still battling acne.

My eyebrows are in need of a good wax, instead of a pluck or two.

My hair could use some highlights.

And my body needs a whole new overhaul.

I have been feeling like this for almost a year.

I let myself go when I was pregnant with J because I bounced back pretty quick with M.

I wasn't perfect, but I could still shop most places.

Now I feel trapped with my choices.

I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of stores that I have no interest in shopping in, but panicking when I need something new to wear.

Last summers clothes are getting tight....How the hell did that happen?

Food, no will power, no restraint.

At 194, I feel like a blob and I have no idea how to start, how to say no, how to change.

I read this blog daily and she brought up an interesting point.

Why is it that when our kids come to us upset, hurt,or frustrated that we help them figure out what the problem is and not stick a bowl of ice cream in front of them.

Why cant I apply that concept to my life, 'cause I'll have you know that when mama has a bad day she heads straight to the bakery isle.

I know part of it is that I'm tired.

I have slept entirely through the night without waking ONCE in four years.  I am not lying either.

And it is a catch 22, I need energy to exercise but I know exercising will give me energy.

I don't want to go East in a few weeks and know that people are saying to each other, "wow, she'd put on weight!"

I don't want to stand beside the skinny girl anymore and think that I could never look like that, because I know somewhere in me I have the power to change.

But the truth is I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail.

And that has to be the most pathetic thing I have ever felt.

So tomorrow I start on my journey, one that will be harder for me than quitting smoking.

I have no idea where it is going to take me.

I have no idea what I am going to do.

I have no idea if I will succeed.

I know I have to say goodbye to some foods because I do not know the meaning of moderation, but I'm not sure that deprivation  is a healthy attitude either. 

I know I don't want to have to wrap a towel around me tightly when I get out the shower so my husband wont catch a glimpse of naked me.

I know I have to exercise.

I know I need help.

So tonight I am saying goodbye to this version of me:

And hello to a better me.

When I get there, I think I will reward myself with this.

And if you have any tips, tricks, recipes, inspiration or anything you think might help me in my journey, link me up.  I'd love some more motivation!