Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Everyone has them.

I don't think we would be human if we didn't.

Some are phobia's if you will, like fear of heights...spiders.....closed in spaces.

And some wake you from your deepest sleep with a blood curdling scream.

My greatest fear began after the death of an Uncle. I would wake up screaming in the night and not really remembering what I was screaming about.

But I knew....deep down I knew.

Those bouts of screaming continued for years, each following a substantial scare or loss in my life.

And then suddenly they stopped.

I have been scream free for almost three years.

I feel like that is a line from a 12 step program.

This was not meant to be a morbid post, just one to document my fears today

I have several.

1. That B one day won't come home. Not because he left me but because something terrible has happened to him on the way to, at, or on the way home from work. He does not understand this fear but every once in a while he will do or say something that makes me believe he has the same fear. Like today when he asked me to move away from the patio doors during a lightning storm.

2. That M will fall down the stairs and crack his head open. This one consumes me. Ask my Sis. Or my Mom. I know I have to let go and let him do it on his own. I am trying not to be a helicopter mom and hover but still. I would just assume not have a child with broken bones.

3. That I will drop J. I swear I had this same fear with M. Will I make the right choice if I'm carrying too many things and will I save my Son and not the darn phone. I doubt my maternal reflex/instinct. That scares the sh*t out of me.

4. That one of my children will get sick and have to be hospitalized and I will have to leave the other child at home. Don't get me wrong, wild horses couldn't drag me from the hospital if one of them was there. But I fear that the other one will become resentful.

5. Losing a child. I don't need to elaborate.

6. My children growing up without me. As in me dying and them not knowing me. I know this sounds narcissistic but I don't mean it that way. Lets face it, for the most part no one loves their cubs better than Mama Bear and does anyone really want a child not to know that love.

I have many more fears but those 6 are the ones on my mind all the time lately.

Those are the 6 that could send me back to me screaming in my sleep and B hugging me in my sleep in order to get me to stop.

It helped to write it down.

What are your fears???


  1. Your right it does sound like a 12 step program. My fears are similar to your'se but I've gotten over the stairs because they have all bailed down them already doing the gimpy arms and legs flailing thing and got up and walked away from it. I'm sure you remember when I bailed and Q was about 2 weeks old and I really hurt myself, dh was at work, and I was flat on my back at the bottom crying. Thank God Q was in his crib and not my arms. That being said that was one of them, falling while carrying a baby. Now my biggest fear is having to get my kids out of the house in the middle of the night and not being able to get to them all. Of course all other freak accidents, losing one of them..... I could go on and on! You are not alone in this one. It's perfectly natural and some of them will go away over time only because they are older. :)

  2. I was always PERTRIFIED of falling down the stairs while pregnant, or with a newborn. I must have pictured it 20 times a day while in Ottawa. (FYI, I did fall down about 5 stairs while holding a week old Lily. She was fine, I was shook up. Audrey just fell down an entire flight of stairs last week, and my life flashed before my eyes. Thank goodness she was fine.) I am PETRIFIED of something happening to one of my girls. This often grips me at night, and I have to pray right then and there. Last night it gripped me on the way home from work, and I had to go into their rooms when I got home and just listen to them breathe. I'm also very afraid that I'm going to screw them up and/or they'll end up hating me someday. That's a biggie.

  3. #1 is a big one for me, too. So much so that I actually cried because I ruminated to the point where I gave his eulogy in the car on the way to work.

    I'd blame that one on my pregnancy at the time, but no one would believe me.