Fears

Everyone has them.


I don't think we would be human if we didn't.


Some are phobia's if you will, like fear of heights...spiders.....closed in spaces.


And some wake you from your deepest sleep with a blood curdling scream.


My greatest fear began after the death of an Uncle. I would wake up screaming in the night and not really remembering what I was screaming about.


But I knew....deep down I knew.


Those bouts of screaming continued for years, each following a substantial scare or loss in my life.


And then suddenly they stopped.


I have been scream free for almost three years.


I feel like that is a line from a 12 step program.


This was not meant to be a morbid post, just one to document my fears today


I have several.


1. That B one day won't come home. Not because he left me but because something terrible has happened to him on the way to, at, or on the way home from work. He does not understand this fear but every once in a while he will do or say something that makes me believe he has the same fear. Like today when he asked me to move away from the patio doors during a lightning storm.


2. That M will fall down the stairs and crack his head open. This one consumes me. Ask my Sis. Or my Mom. I know I have to let go and let him do it on his own. I am trying not to be a helicopter mom and hover but still. I would just assume not have a child with broken bones.

3. That I will drop J. I swear I had this same fear with M. Will I make the right choice if I'm carrying too many things and will I save my Son and not the darn phone. I doubt my maternal reflex/instinct. That scares the sh*t out of me.

4. That one of my children will get sick and have to be hospitalized and I will have to leave the other child at home. Don't get me wrong, wild horses couldn't drag me from the hospital if one of them was there. But I fear that the other one will become resentful.

5. Losing a child. I don't need to elaborate.

6. My children growing up without me. As in me dying and them not knowing me. I know this sounds narcissistic but I don't mean it that way. Lets face it, for the most part no one loves their cubs better than Mama Bear and does anyone really want a child not to know that love.

I have many more fears but those 6 are the ones on my mind all the time lately.

Those are the 6 that could send me back to me screaming in my sleep and B hugging me in my sleep in order to get me to stop.

It helped to write it down.

What are your fears???