Lately I have been thinking about me.
About who I am and where I came from.
I miss being young.
So young that you are oblivious to all the scrutiny of your peers.
It seems that life is like that.
People always looking...critisizing...passing judgement.
For me it started when I moved here from the West coast.
My first day of school was TERRIBLE.
I was dressed all wrong for city living and me and everyone in my new class new it.
A boy wanted to be my boyfriend...WHAT?????????
I didn't fit in.
High school wasn't much better.
Every year a new set of friends.
Every year a new drama that made me feel inadequate.
The last girl to wear a bra....pointed out ever so kindly by a boy.
The wrong clothes....pointed out not so nicely by a girl.
Not so nice.
Sitting in the cafeteria that defined who you were in the social stratification ladder based on how far away you sat from the "cool" people.
Getting flakies smashed in your face by a friend who thought it was funny.
Not funny when you knew your mom couldn't afford them often and half of it was wasted.
Ahhhhh have I mentioned I hated high school?
I have a friend who always tells me it wasn't that bad.
I always tell her she went to a different High School.
Fast forward 2 years.
Things went from bad to worse.
I found a new niche of friends.
I rode with the wrong crowd.
I did things I really shouldn't have done...EVER.
I felt good about myself to an extent because there was always a guy.
Not that way you think.
But I always had a boyfriend.
For some reason that made me feel better about me.
Maybe I wasn't that bad after all.
But still I always felt misplaced.
I didn't really have a vision for my life.
I didn't KNOW who I wanted to be when I grew up.
I envied those people with a plan.
I went to University because I thought I had it figured out.
I really didn't.
And then I met HIM.
He seemed to bring out the best in me.
I shared secrets on our first date that I really shouldn't have.
He didn't get scared.
He didn't run
He didn't judge.
He has always help me put things into perspective.
But it hasn't always been rosy.
We fight in our passive aggressive ways.
We can go for days without speaking if we both stick in our heels.
I have sometimes been so mad that I think I can do it on my own.
But I always lie there in the night knowing I am where I am meant to be.
We whisper in the night about the couple down the street who are splitting up and how sad it is.
We make promises to each other to better communicate with each other.
We say our I love yous daily.
We kiss goodbye and hello.
He loves me with my flaws.
My post partum muffin top that I am 20 pounds away from losing.
My hair that is constantly in a pony.
My complexion that is far from perfect and has been without a stitch of make up for months.
My no longer stylish wardrobe of yoga pants, tshirts and flip flops.
And on days where I feel that I am not who I need to be he calls me Super Mom and gives me a hug through my tears.
This is who I am, who I was meant to be when I grew up.
And he loves me.
In this skin.