I remember vividly when my sister told me she was pregnant with her first child. We were lying on her bed and she kind of blurted it out.
I kind of burst into tears.
I was happy for her but I felt something in my heart ache.
Really, really ache.
I was twenty three at the time and I should have been the mother to a five year old.
I'll do the math for you.
I was seventeen.
I had dated a guy who did everything illegal under the sun. Drugs, stole cars, traded arms, and did a very unspeakable act to someone in his family. He also was not very faithful. For all of those reasons and a few others I choose not to share I decided in the eleventh hour not to go through with the pregnancy.
And let me stop you there if you think that I did the wrong thing. I don't need a lecture or hate comments. (Not that I would flatter myself into thinking there are that many people who read this blog.) I did what my under-educated teenage mind thought was right.
At that time.
And I would do it again, because he was not a
When Sam had D, I went to see her in the hospital. She had a very rough go of it. She was there for 5 days and I came and brought some make-up so we could take pictures of her all gussied up with her new baby. We had some good laughs and I was smitten. I think the first thing I said to my new nephew was that I would teach him all about chocolate.
And I have.
I went home to B that night and cried some more. I told him that night about my past and he was pretty good about it. That being said, B is good about most things and forgets things quickly. And by forget I actually mean he forgot that I told him that some 5 years later. I also told him about my awesome new nephew who had the coolest name EVER!
I'd like to think that D and I have a special bond........in my heart we do.
When he was two I took him to the Museum of Nature and he ran around looking at all the bugs while I just stared and laughed. That day we ate McDonalds and oodles of chocolate chip cookies. He fell asleep on the bus on the way home and I had to figure out how to get him off and home to my sister without waking him. I did it but it was hard.
When he was three I took him to the Aviation Museum and we had a picnic outside of
When he was around five or six we went downtown to watch a Movie (Madagascar?) We were walking hand in hand, eating huge ice cream cones, and he was telling me stories about old cars and I remember thinking "Man this kid is smart!" I used to love just to walk with him and listen to his stories.
When B and I started getting serious about having a family I knew I wanted a boy. I have said it for years. And it is all because of D. He is the coolest kid I know. He wears the coolest clothes, has the coolest haircut, and has intelligent conversations with grown-ups (me?)
This kid has made my heart ache for years.
And I try to be a cool Aunty. You know, not kissing him and doing the high five thing instead. But when he comes to give me a hug my little ole heart just melts.
I tried to tell him how proud I was of him this summer after he graduated from elementary school. I missed the ceremony because my 2nd son was only weeks old and I knew it would be difficult to manage. I tried to tell him I always wanted boys because of him, how proud I was of the person he is becoming but I couldn't get the words out.
I never knew for a long time if I could have babies. I thought I did something terrible to my body as it took four years to conceive M. But I felt in my heart that if I wasn't going to be blessed with kids, if I had given up my only chance, that it would be okay.
I knew that I had my pseudo son, my nephew, and my godson.
And he rocks!