He Rocks!

* Caution: a very personal story ahead *




I remember vividly when my sister told me she was pregnant with her first child. We were lying on her bed and she kind of blurted it out.

I kind of burst into tears.

I was happy for her but I felt something in my heart ache.

Really, really ache.


I was twenty three at the time and I should have been the mother to a five year old.

I'll do the math for you.

I was seventeen.

I had dated a guy who did everything illegal under the sun. Drugs, stole cars, traded arms, and did a very unspeakable act to someone in his family. He also was not very faithful. For all of those reasons and a few others I choose not to share I decided in the eleventh hour not to go through with the pregnancy.

And let me stop you there if you think that I did the wrong thing. I don't need a lecture or hate comments. (Not that I would flatter myself into thinking there are that many people who read this blog.) I did what my under-educated teenage mind thought was right.

At that time.

And I would do it again, because he was not a person monster I would want anywhere near children.  Let alone mine.

When Sam had D,  I went to see her in the hospital. She had a very rough go of it. She was there for 5 days and I came and brought some make-up so we could take pictures of her all gussied up with her new baby. We had some good laughs and I was smitten. I think the first thing I said to my new nephew was that I would teach him all about chocolate.

And I have.

I went home to B that night and cried some more. I told him that night about my past and he was pretty good about it. That being said,  B is good about most things and forgets things quickly. And by forget I actually mean he forgot that I told him that some 5 years later. I also told him about my awesome new nephew who had the coolest name EVER!

I'd like to think that D and I have a special bond........in my heart we do.

When he was two I took him to the Museum of Nature and he ran around looking at all the bugs while I just stared and laughed. That day we ate McDonalds and oodles of chocolate chip cookies. He fell asleep on the bus on the way home and I had to figure out how to get him off and home to my sister without waking him. I did it but it was hard.

When he was three I took him to the Aviation Museum and we had a picnic outside of dirty bird Kentucky Fried Chicken. Again he was running everywhere inside that museum. He tired me out.

When he was around five or six we went downtown to watch a Movie (Madagascar?) We were walking hand in hand, eating huge ice cream cones, and he was telling me stories about old cars and I remember thinking "Man this kid is smart!" I used to love just to walk with him and listen to his stories.

When B and I started getting serious about having a family I knew I wanted a boy. I have said it for years. And it is all because of D. He is the coolest kid I know. He wears the coolest clothes, has the coolest haircut, and has intelligent conversations with grown-ups (me?) 

This kid has made my heart ache for years.

And I try to be a cool Aunty.  You know, not kissing him and doing the high five thing instead.  But when he comes to give me a hug my little ole heart just melts.

I tried to tell him how proud I was of him this summer after he graduated from elementary school. I missed the ceremony because my 2nd son was only weeks old and I knew it would be difficult to manage. I tried to tell him I always wanted boys because of him, how proud I was of the person he is becoming but I couldn't get the words out.

I never knew for a long time if I could have babies. I thought I did something terrible to my body as it took four years to conceive M. But I felt in my heart that if I wasn't going to be blessed with kids, if I had given up my only chance, that it would be okay.

I knew that I had my pseudo son, my nephew, and my godson.

And he rocks!