Thursday, January 7, 2010

He Rocks!

* Caution: a very personal story ahead *

I remember vividly when my sister told me she was pregnant with her first child. We were lying on her bed and she kind of blurted it out.

I kind of burst into tears.

I was happy for her but I felt something in my heart ache.

Really, really ache.

I was twenty three at the time and I should have been the mother to a five year old.

I'll do the math for you.

I was seventeen.

I had dated a guy who did everything illegal under the sun. Drugs, stole cars, traded arms, and did a very unspeakable act to someone in his family. He also was not very faithful. For all of those reasons and a few others I choose not to share I decided in the eleventh hour not to go through with the pregnancy.

And let me stop you there if you think that I did the wrong thing. I don't need a lecture or hate comments. (Not that I would flatter myself into thinking there are that many people who read this blog.) I did what my under-educated teenage mind thought was right.

At that time.

And I would do it again, because he was not a person monster I would want anywhere near children.  Let alone mine.

When Sam had D,  I went to see her in the hospital. She had a very rough go of it. She was there for 5 days and I came and brought some make-up so we could take pictures of her all gussied up with her new baby. We had some good laughs and I was smitten. I think the first thing I said to my new nephew was that I would teach him all about chocolate.

And I have.

I went home to B that night and cried some more. I told him that night about my past and he was pretty good about it. That being said,  B is good about most things and forgets things quickly. And by forget I actually mean he forgot that I told him that some 5 years later. I also told him about my awesome new nephew who had the coolest name EVER!

I'd like to think that D and I have a special my heart we do.

When he was two I took him to the Museum of Nature and he ran around looking at all the bugs while I just stared and laughed. That day we ate McDonalds and oodles of chocolate chip cookies. He fell asleep on the bus on the way home and I had to figure out how to get him off and home to my sister without waking him. I did it but it was hard.

When he was three I took him to the Aviation Museum and we had a picnic outside of dirty bird Kentucky Fried Chicken. Again he was running everywhere inside that museum. He tired me out.

When he was around five or six we went downtown to watch a Movie (Madagascar?) We were walking hand in hand, eating huge ice cream cones, and he was telling me stories about old cars and I remember thinking "Man this kid is smart!" I used to love just to walk with him and listen to his stories.

When B and I started getting serious about having a family I knew I wanted a boy. I have said it for years. And it is all because of D. He is the coolest kid I know. He wears the coolest clothes, has the coolest haircut, and has intelligent conversations with grown-ups (me?) 

This kid has made my heart ache for years.

And I try to be a cool Aunty.  You know, not kissing him and doing the high five thing instead.  But when he comes to give me a hug my little ole heart just melts.

I tried to tell him how proud I was of him this summer after he graduated from elementary school. I missed the ceremony because my 2nd son was only weeks old and I knew it would be difficult to manage. I tried to tell him I always wanted boys because of him, how proud I was of the person he is becoming but I couldn't get the words out.

I never knew for a long time if I could have babies. I thought I did something terrible to my body as it took four years to conceive M. But I felt in my heart that if I wasn't going to be blessed with kids, if I had given up my only chance, that it would be okay.

I knew that I had my pseudo son, my nephew, and my godson.

And he rocks!


  1. I sometimes wonder if you know how often I thank God for you!?! That you know that I admire the girl you were and the woman you've become. That I know should anything ever happen to me & m, my kids will always have a home. not just somewhere to live but a home filled with love. That because of your life experiences you are such an amazing mom to your two boys. That you ARE the coolest Aunty EVER. That my kids do look up to you and do have a special bond with you. (sometimes they may even prefer you). That being said after a long and stressful week thanks for being there to support and bear those emotions with me. He does rock if I do say so myself. xo I love love love the page!

  2. That was a beautiful post, Jen. (And an awesome layout!)

  3. What a sweet tribute! You are a terrific Auntie!

  4. What a beautiful post.
    Sometimes I think everyone should get to be an aunt to a great kid first, because you notice how smart they are and how much fun they are, and you don't worry about making the wrong decisions with them. You just *are* with a nephew. And it makes you a better parent. I think.
    I hope nobody ever ever ever, not even you, makes you feel badly about a choice you made when 17 and doing the best you could to make the best decision possible.

  5. What an honest and thoughtful post! One day, your nephew will really appreciate this tribute. I was an aunt for a lot of years before becoming a mother. It was a great introduction to the wonders of children and I cherish that time that I was able to spend with my nieces and nephews like that.

  6. Beautiful and honest post. Not only are you lucky to have your nephew, but he is so lucky to have such a great aunt as you. Extended family is so important, and something that not everyone has. Thank you for writing this!

  7. You guys all rock too. I really struggled with sharing my personal aspect of it and offending the masses but to me it was an important memory. It means alot that you all commented so thanks ;)