On three separate occasions.
Maybe it was just fatigue,
maybe it was this damn cold that hasn't left our family for 8 days,
maybe it was that he just. wouldn't. listen.
How many times does he have to climb the entertainment unit in one day?
How many times does he have to shake the christmas tree?
Stand on the table?
Try to climb on the stove?
How many times do I have to say no before he gets that what he is doing is dangerous?
How many times do I have to tell him to stop pressing the open/close button on the DVD player?
How many times do I have to tell him it is time for a bath?
How many times do I have to tell him to lie still while I put his diaper on?
Apparently one zillion.
Or at least that is what it felt like.
And it all ended with my coming so close to being the parent that I have no desire to be.
And I wonder if in his little head he wonders why I raised my voice so much today.
If he thinks I don't love him.
That he doesn't love me.
This Mom thing is hard.
And I feel like a complete lump of terd right now.
For letting my temper get the best of me,
For forgeting that he is two.
For sending him to his room......twice.
For having to pin him down to get his diaper on.
I don't like myself very much right now.
But I don't doubt my love for that kid.
I whispered how much I loved him as I stroked his little head as he climbed into bed,
I told him tomorrow I would try harder to be the Mom he deserves to have.
One that is patient,
That explains things better,
That puts child locks on everything so he dosn't have the opportunity to climb...
The one that doesn't have to struggle with her child in order to put a stupid daiper and pair of pj's on.
Tomorrow I will try.
Because it can happen in an instant.
And I don't ever want to be that parent.