I snapped.
On three separate occasions.
Maybe it was just fatigue,
maybe it was this damn cold that hasn't left our family for 8 days,
maybe it was that he just. wouldn't. listen.
How many times does he have to climb the entertainment unit in one day?
How many times does he have to shake the christmas tree?
Stand on the table?
Try to climb on the stove?
How many times do I have to say no before he gets that what he is doing is dangerous?
How many times do I have to tell him to stop pressing the open/close button on the DVD player?
How many times do I have to tell him it is time for a bath?
How many times do I have to tell him to lie still while I put his diaper on?
Apparently one zillion.
Or at least that is what it felt like.
And it all ended with my coming so close to being the parent that I have no desire to be.
And I wonder if in his little head he wonders why I raised my voice so much today.
If he thinks I don't love him.
That he doesn't love me.
This Mom thing is hard.
And I feel like a complete lump of terd right now.
For letting my temper get the best of me,
For forgeting that he is two.
For sending him to his room......twice.
For having to pin him down to get his diaper on.
I don't like myself very much right now.
But I don't doubt my love for that kid.
I whispered how much I loved him as I stroked his little head as he climbed into bed,
I told him tomorrow I would try harder to be the Mom he deserves to have.
One that is patient,
That explains things better,
That puts child locks on everything so he dosn't have the opportunity to climb...
The one that doesn't have to struggle with her child in order to put a stupid daiper and pair of pj's on.
Tomorrow I will try.
Because it can happen in an instant.
And I don't ever want to be that parent.
I can't tell you how many days like that I've had recently. They are pretty much the only days when putting my girls down for bed feels worse than keeping them up. Know what I mean? Usually I cherish the walk down the stairs once their door is closed. But on days like the one you wrote about above, I feel like I need to keep them up so that I can prove that I'm not "that mom."
ReplyDeleteWish I could take you out for coffee or a drink tonight. I think we could both use the boost!
I hear you. I've been there. Really.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there. And because you don't want to be like that, you won't let yourself be that parent. You recognize it. You'll adjust. It's just that sometimes, they know all the right buttons to push and all the ways to not listen. This is hard. We're here with you. Here's to a better tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteOuch! Those days are so hard. I had one yesterday--I just was snippy all day. I'm hoping to atone for it today.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there, and we will all be there over and over. We can't be the greatest mom ever all the time. We are human. Lately I have been swallowing my pride and have apologized to my girls on these days. The first time I did, I figured I'd get a real talking to, but they just said, OK, gave me a hug, and went about their business. Tomorrow is another day.
ReplyDelete