No I am not pregnant, although lately I have had little yearnings.
Sadly we are done having babies.
Some days it feels so final, so sad.
Other days I am okay with it.
I had some pictures of me pregnant sitting on my desk for quite sometime and more often than not I am about to start a scrapbook page, I begin with a story in mind and type my thoughts down for the journaling.
One of the reasons that Tina said she chose me for her design team was that I journaled on my pages.
Those words are probably one of the biggest reasons why I have stuck with this hobby of mine.
I want my kids to know how I feel about them, to document milestones, traditions, everyday moments.
It is their stories that I want to share, and a little of their Dad's and mine.
Like Starbucks winter marketing suggests,
"Stories are gifts....Share"
So with those pregnant pictures in mind I set about writing my feelings and creating a double sided page about being pregnant.
It wasn't all the gloom I made it out to be, and I wanted the boys to know that.
It is no secret that I was not one of those women that embraced pregnancy, but looking at these pictures I feel the need to clarify and get my thoughts down….
I desperately wanted to be pregnant. For four years I wished for both of you. And month after month I was disappointed when I found out I wasn’t. And then came the day when I knew I was. The date was September 18th, 2006 and your Dad and I were driving to New Brunswick, the Nova Scotia for Aunty Karen’s wedding. I knew that day. I knew the next morning. I knew on September 23rd before I even took the pregnancy test. I knew our first baby was on the way.
From the start my body felt terrible. I was nauseous 24/7, for fifteen weeks with you Michael. And Jack, it lasted 13 weeks with you. I had sciatica for both of you. I had a low lying placenta for both of you, however Michael, yours took a turn for the worse 6 weeks before you were to be born. I had to be hospitalized on bed rest to make sure we could bake you longer. And Jack, well it eventually moved up and you were born at term.
I suffered from insomnia for both of you, right from the word pregnant. I think it was more from worrying about being your mom and doing a good job more than anything else. Many nights I slept on the couch when I was pregnant with you Michael, and many mornings I slept at the base of the basement stairs while I was pregnant with you Jack, while Michael played.
Jack I felt your pregnancy was harder than Michael's. I was so tired. I gained more weight. I could barely walk or play with your big brother. It wiped me out. But days after you were born I felt great.
Those were the down sides for me. What I verbalized about the most, which I realize now, is such a shame. What I didn’t talk about was how happy being pregnant actual made me feel.
I complained about the morning (read all day sickness) allot. Truth be told, I was happy. Happy because it meant that I had a growing baby inside me. I had read somewhere that sick mommy equaled healthy baby and I thought about that more than anything.
I subscribed to pregnant milestone updates and had great fun reporting to Daddy what fruit like size and weight you were, or body part was developing inside of me
The first time you both moved I remember so well. Michael I was in a hotel room in Kingston and I was 18 weeks. Jack I was at home in bed and it was 16 weeks. I remember thinking it felt nothing like the butterflies that I read about. It always made me smile to feel those small flutters, kicks and punches. Even as you grew and kicks grew harder and feet began to take up permanent residence in my rib cage, I was happy. I walked around with my right hand pushing down on my right rib all day trying to get you both to move your feet but, you never did. Secretly I liked the contact.
The hiccups were non stop. All day and all night. They always made me smile even though they made me nauseous. To me it meant you were growing.
The ultrasounds, every last one of them and there were a lot. I loved them, loved seeing you grow from peanuts to infants right in my belly. It amazed me. Made me smile and often brought me to tears.
The fear I felt the one time in the hospital when we thought we lost a heart beat. My feelings and fear confirmed that I was ready to be a mom. The tears I cried after both of your births, the overwhelming sense of responsibility that I felt to both of you to make sure I did everything in my power to be the best mom I could. I cherish those feelings of insecurity because I know they push me to be a better parent.
Pregnancy may not have suited me well, but I knew that it was temporary. The bottom line is this. Not only were we growing a family but we were taking on the biggest responsibility of our lives. That is what these pictures mean to me, and I am now wishing that I had more of them. They represent not only the love between Bruce and I but the love I felt for both of you while you grew inside of me. I will always, always cherish these pictures, no matter how I felt I looked or how fuzzy the quality. And I will always love you both.