Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Feeling Guilty

M is going through a new phase.

Over the past few days he has become very clingy.
"I wanna come up"
Translation...Mommy please carry me around everywhere.
Apparently he still hasn't caught on to the fact that I am 81/2 months pregnant.
I am just not as agile as I used to be.
He will also grab my hand if I am doing something and walk me away from said task.
He wants my undivided attention.

And I got frustrated today.

I want him to love me more than anyone.....Selfish I know.
But I did make him......
Yes I know not ALL by myself.
But mostly.

Preggers has her limits.

So that's why I feel like crap.
He needed me today.
And yesterday.
And probably the day before.

And I felt like something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it.
He had a flushed cheeks yesterday, but not the teething kind.
Just really blotchy.
And tonight during his bath I noticed a rash.
Around his neck, a little on his back, and some on his tummy.
Not big, but a small smooth little dot kind of rash.

Panic of course set in.
Cereal yesterday that came in contact with nuts.
A granola bar today that had peanuts.


What is wrong with me?
Why don't I catch on to these things more quickly.
He is obviously not feeling 100%.

It's not like I brushed it off.
I silently thought it to myself for the past couple of days.
But I didn't want to over react.

And now I sit here panicked.
What if he has a bad reaction in the night.
What if he is really sick.
I google all the things that cause rashes on small children...
NOT reassuring.

I have already informed B that it may very well be a long night.
I feel so guilty now for not holding him more today.
For trying distraction methods instead.
Which in case your interested, didn't all work.

I should have known something was wrong when he refused chocolate milk.
And yes I still dilute it.....

I should have known.

Shame on me.


  1. There will always be something.

    Something you should've known.

    Something you might have noticed if only...

    But there will be more times when you catch things before they happen. Or remember something from last year or something that clicks because of what you already experienced. And those times often happen without fanfare because you just do it. You don't realize how on-point you are. It's just part of life as a mom.

    And then there will be the times when you get yakked on, in the face, without warning.

    Breathe. Give your son a hug. And know you're doing a great job.

  2. First of all no one is turned on 100% all the time. We all miss signs. Just trust your instincts because more often then not you will be right. You know him best and your a great mom even when you miss them.

    If that doesn't make you feel better then maybe a medium butter carrrramel icecap supreme will. I hope M feels better today.