Torn

I'm not the type of person who befriends quickly.
In fact I really don't like most people.
I find them hurtful, judgemental, resentful and jealous.
And I get hurt easily.
So when I reach out it means that I want to.
But I need to do it in my own way, at my own pace.

That is why it is so hard sometimes to break that tie.
It's not you, It's me.
I don't want to be hurt or judged.
I just want to be liked for me.
Not because of what I can do for you.
But what we can do together.

Trust me.
It ain't easy.
B eggs me on in some cases.
"Do it! Do it!" He says.
I remind him that it is easier for a man then a woman.
We are too invested in our relationships.
In other cases he tells me he thinks I'm wrong.
You weren't there.
You don't know what they said, did or didn't do.
You didn't read between the lines of their asinine comment.
"Your paranoid" he would reply.
Am I?
Or am I just better at reading people then you are?

Really what it comes down to is trust.
You have it from the get go once I let you in .
You do something to break that trust and I'm out.
Sorry to be harsh.

My Dad once told me that you could count all your true friends on one hand.
The rest are just acquaintances he said.
I have believed that for so long.
Maybe I have lived by that thought to literally?
Maybe if I let go of that thought friendship would come more easily?
Or maybe I'm too much like him?
Maybe I just like my smallish circle of people I talk to.
Maybe.....
Or maybe you just pissed me off and I'm still hurting.
Maybe I forgive but don't forget.
Or maybe it is both.
Maybe it is easier not to put yourself out there that way you don't get hurt.
And maybe I am still hurting.

I'll figure it out.
I usually do.
Sometimes time heals the wound and sometimes it doesn't.
I've lived through it before.
Life goes on.
And so will I.