Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mixed emotions.

I am so very fortunate to live in a country that allows an entire year of Maternity Leave.

It also just happened that I had 5 weeks of vacation that had to be taken before I left to have J.

As of today I have been off for one year and 2 weeks.

So very lucky, I am.

Which is why the cloud that loomed over today was unwelcomed.

I met my new boss today for lunch to discuss my return and had some interesting options put on the table. 

At first I thought I would return to my old position, but after hearing him out, and weighing the pros and cons offered, I took a lesser stressful store.

Same money, an assistant who has my back,  and less stress.  I would be silly to turn that down right?

I feel good with my decision, but as I pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant the tears started to fall from my eyes.

On my own accord I agreed to go back one week early. 

He didn't ask,  I offered.

I have my reasons.

But I feel a little like a traitor.

It will be one week that I won't be home with my babies and it  may not seem like a big deal but I was so overcome with emotion.

I tried really hard to keep my tears in check but as soon as I walked in the house and heard their voices they started to fall even harder.

I  remember all to well that feeling in the pit of my tummy,  leaving every morning, and the sheer panic that set in at 5:00pm when I knew I had to get on the road home.

I would grip the steering wheel so hard I had white knuckles.

I hated that feeling.

Eventually it subsided and going to work got easier.

Maybe it was because I only had one babe at home.

Maybe it was that I became pregnant within 4 months of returning to work and I knew I would be home for a year again.

For what ever reason I felt better about being a working Mom.

But right now I feel like I'm ripping my kids off of one week.

I especially feel that way for J.

As hard as I try to make sure he gets the same attention as M,  I know it just wasn't the same.

M had more time with me in his first year because I had to take my vacation at the end of my first Matt Leave and then he had me for 5 weeks all alone before J was born.

J will not be nursed as long, frankly I will be suprised if I make it through the next two weeks.

J didn't get two maternity leaves and he never will; there will be no more babies born from me.

I just feel like he is getting the shit end of the stick.

And how will M adjust after having me home for more than 2/3rds of his life?

It really is hurting my heart.

I hate that I have to work.

But I know that I do it for them, you know, so we don't have to live in the slums...

I'll get through it, because that is what I do, but man alive I am going to miss my boys.

Thats's all for tonights pity party.

Nighty Night.


  1. My first daughter was 10 months old when I went back to work full-time. I cried non-stop for the entire last week we had together. But strangely enough, she LOVED daycare. (I felt a little betrayed by that, to be honest. Even though I was the one who left her there.) You love your boys so much that they will never feel slighted. Just give yourself room to breathe, and time to adjust. Great mamas like you are always great mamas. ALWAYS.

  2. I completley know what you mean. In the states, we don't get to stay home with our little ones beyond our FMLA 12 weeks. Going back to work is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The annoying thing is that everyone tells you it gets easier leaving them in someone elses care during the day, but frankly it hasn't and my little one is almost two now. So just know you aren't alone and that it's my reality too. I live it everyday with hopes that by the time we have our second that we are in a better place financially where I can work part-time or not at all... I'm sending happy wishes your way...

  3. Aw, I'm so sorry. That transition stuff is so hard! Hugs to you!

  4. Change is so hard. Change for the good, change for the bad. It all takes time to get used to. You will do it. You love your boys. When a mother loves you like that, you can't not know that. They'll feel it and carry it with them always. Hang in there.