Mixed emotions.

I am so very fortunate to live in a country that allows an entire year of Maternity Leave.

It also just happened that I had 5 weeks of vacation that had to be taken before I left to have J.

As of today I have been off for one year and 2 weeks.

So very lucky, I am.

Which is why the cloud that loomed over today was unwelcomed.

I met my new boss today for lunch to discuss my return and had some interesting options put on the table. 

At first I thought I would return to my old position, but after hearing him out, and weighing the pros and cons offered, I took a lesser stressful store.

Same money, an assistant who has my back,  and less stress.  I would be silly to turn that down right?

I feel good with my decision, but as I pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant the tears started to fall from my eyes.

On my own accord I agreed to go back one week early. 

He didn't ask,  I offered.

I have my reasons.

But I feel a little like a traitor.

It will be one week that I won't be home with my babies and it  may not seem like a big deal but I was so overcome with emotion.

I tried really hard to keep my tears in check but as soon as I walked in the house and heard their voices they started to fall even harder.

I  remember all to well that feeling in the pit of my tummy,  leaving every morning, and the sheer panic that set in at 5:00pm when I knew I had to get on the road home.

I would grip the steering wheel so hard I had white knuckles.

I hated that feeling.

Eventually it subsided and going to work got easier.

Maybe it was because I only had one babe at home.

Maybe it was that I became pregnant within 4 months of returning to work and I knew I would be home for a year again.

For what ever reason I felt better about being a working Mom.

But right now I feel like I'm ripping my kids off of one week.

I especially feel that way for J.

As hard as I try to make sure he gets the same attention as M,  I know it just wasn't the same.

M had more time with me in his first year because I had to take my vacation at the end of my first Matt Leave and then he had me for 5 weeks all alone before J was born.

J will not be nursed as long, frankly I will be suprised if I make it through the next two weeks.

J didn't get two maternity leaves and he never will; there will be no more babies born from me.

I just feel like he is getting the shit end of the stick.

And how will M adjust after having me home for more than 2/3rds of his life?

It really is hurting my heart.

I hate that I have to work.

But I know that I do it for them, you know, so we don't have to live in the slums...

I'll get through it, because that is what I do, but man alive I am going to miss my boys.

Thats's all for tonights pity party.

Nighty Night.