I'm not normally one to post my woes on social media.  I try keep it lighthearted mainly because I think there are people in way worse situations then me.  But here's the thing:  Autism sucks.  At least today during dinner it did.

Autism is all I know as a parent.  I don't like to go to places that are loud or crowded because it can turn bad quickly.   And by bad, I mean it's over stimulating, littlest starts stimming, running, hitting, head butting, and they both suddenly are completely unable to hear me.

Sounds like every child, I know.  It also sounds like I'm whining.  The thing is that when I try to express what it's like, it sounds petty.  My kids are high functioning.  They learn differently but most days I have every reason to believe that they will be successful, contributing, self sufficient members of society.

The truth is, they can do so much and I want to focus on that, I really do.  But it's the bad stuff that sends me into a tail spin.  The inability to reason, communicate needs, hyper focusing, moaning,head butting,  lack of safety awareness, not letting me comfort them when they are hurt...it's those things that frustrate me, and make me want to scream "I Hate Autism!!"

I said it tonight.  I said it out loud to B for the first time.  I don't crave normal because I don't know what normal is, but I said it because in want to be able to reach them more.  I want to connect more.   And I'm being selfish because I want it to be on my terms.  

There is something that always sticks with me that I have to remember about Autism.  They are not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time.  I forget that in the moment sometimes, thinking they are capable of the things I want them to do.  And I believe they are.  I just seem to miss a cue in the environment that makes it difficult for them to do what I'm asking in that moment.  It's me most of the time...not them.  They are just trying to be kids.

Sweet, sweet kids.

Love you both.