The last week I have been thinking allot about what was going on in our lives over the past two years.
Two years ago from today I was starting my three week long stay in the hospital waiting for M to become mature enough to deliver. I sit here thinking that that three week stint was a blessing until my sister so kindly reminded me last night that I pretty much hated it. What I really hated were the invasions on my body; the constant change of IV lines that always took three times to find the vein, the blood tests every week to check my blood type ( unnecessary in my mind..once is enough, you can't forge your blood type people!), the two amniocenteses, the constant distractions at night, the lack of privacy..I could go on.
I guess the only thing that was good about it was the sleep. I could pretty much nap all day long if I wanted to, and I did. I found different ways to pass the time like counting the cars come and go on a Sunday morning, visits with friends, reading. Once I even called my boss and asked her if she wanted me to do some work....how crazy was that?
Today I thought that I am so lucky that I didn't have to go through that again (knock wood). I am enjoying my time with M. He woke up this morning and said to Grams "mommy home today?" We really are having some good quality time together. I am constantly thinking about how I am going to juggle my time once this new man enters my life. I know it will happen, everything will fall into place. Mostly I think it will happen because I am so cautious about making M included all the time. I can't help but think though that there may not be as many special moments or alone time with the new baby and I hope I am able to juggle that special relationship as well, so that he gets from me what I was able to give to M.
Do all mothers worry about these things? Getting the relationships with their children just right. Making sure they are equal. I know they do, that is what I'm told but it doesn't always make you feel like you can do it.
I will try my best. That is what I keep tell my self. I can only do my best.
On a less dramatic note, I did some scrapbooking today on pictures I took of M and his cousin Q last year in April. I will add them to the post in the morning when there is light and I can take a better picture.