What will he see?

In two (long) days Mr. Grounhound will make his much anticipated, yet somewhat groggy pilgrimage up from the depths of his warm hole in the ground.

I'm placing money on the chance that he will see his shadow.

And that he won't.

I really don't think it matters much what that little bug*er  sees or doesn't see. 

We always seem to get six more weeks of freaking cold.

And for some reason February is always the coldest and longest.

Ironic as it is the shortest month.

I think it is just the anticipation of March.

The promise of a hint of spring.

Mother Nature toying with our clothing choices.

What we really get is more snow.

A snowstorm that always seems to tornado it's way into town.

Leaving close to 14000 feet of snow in its wake.

Only to be replaced by the inevitable rain that melts away all of the white (read grey, black and stinky by this point) snow.

I love winter...

Can you tell that 2 days of -34 with the windchill is starting to grate on my nerves and that i am suffering from a small case of cabin fever?

I am however, thankful that you dropped by to have a read.

I'll leave you with a layout I did for my friend Lisa.

She was teaching a class at her LSS this weekend and asked me to create a layout based on her sketch. 

It is a picture of M on the morning he became a big brother and some thoughts on how I was feeling that morning.

Nighty Night.

Under the influence of The Wonderpets.

While M was going down for his afternoon nap today he said:

"Puppy, let's go save the baby reindeer."

Apparently my son watches to many adventures by those three fearless friends.

That, and Christmas must be still lingering in his mind.

Bless his little soul.

Nighty night.

Look who is still hanging out.

Hostage taking

It was a little over 15 years ago that technology started it's stronghold on me.



While in university I went on a ski trip to Sugar Loaf in Maine.



I was a crappy, crappy skier.



So bad in fact I still have broken capillaries on my thighs from the massive amount of bruising that I incurred to prove it.



Ski patrol had to take me down the mountain after a few short feet.



Totally embarrassment.



I ended up meeting some peeps while waiting for my shuttle to take my bruised butt home.



Back then I was a mouthy thing...now not so much.



I digress.



I stayed in touch with one of those guys for about a year and a half after that trip.



He introduced me to this chat room from some radio station.



I think it was the Boston Hot Tub or something?



I remember I would head to the computer lab on weekends so I could chat it up with this guy.



The computers were old and decrepit.



No scripts or pictures or anything.



Just this constant flow of comments being posted from anyone in that particular forum.



Not long after, I discovered an Internet Cafe downtown and discovered what the chat room and other websites were supposed to look like.



I was tickled.



it would be long after that though that I bought my first computer.



Seven years ago to be exact.



And even then I only used email and surfed Martha and some cooking websites.



I didn't jump on the Facebook phenomenon until M was a couple of months old.



I need something to occupy my time while I was at home and he was sleeping.



Enter Blog land.



Seriously?



A little over a year ago I stumbled across two of my friend’s blogs.



I started reading one night feeling ever so guilty for snooping in one their lives but I couldn't stop.



I told my sister about it and she was like "uhh duhh.....everyone reads blogs. I have one."



Excuse me? Where the heck have I been?



So I started reading hers and she gave me some awesome links. And by awesome, I mean I read everyday and sometimes go back into their archives for more reading pleasure.



It was shortly there after that I decided that I need my own. I looked at it as an extension to scrapbook.



To tell my story and that of my family when I didn't have time to sit down and create.



I'm sure by know you are wondering where I am going with this?



Two days ago we got a Virus.



I was without Internet, Email, Facebook, Google reader and Two Peas for an entire 24 hours.



A good friend of B's came over we ran our computer in safe mode and ran a restore function of our antivirus and sent that virus packing.



But not after a day of complete frustration that was misdirected several times.



I am thankful that I recognized my frustration and took some much needed timeouts for hugs but that virus lingered in my mind all. day. long.



I went to bed last night thinking that it was crazy that I let it get to me so much.



So crazy that after it was fixed I didn't even go on and have a quick read of anything.



So crazy that I knew today I had to make it better.



Today we paint.



Today we might break out the play dough



Today we do puzzles.



Today we build towers and Super Grover with Lego



Today we may break out the play dough.



Today we cuddle on the couch.



Today we read.



Today we pack everything fun into one rainy day.





Today I realize that I may not be able to let go of the internet but I sure as hell can make sure my kids know that they are my priority.

Does this count?

I'm featured on this website today.

I can't tell you how tickled I am!

One step towards that Pub that i'm striving towards.

Yay me!

The boxes in the closet

They are Pampers boxes

They stay in the closet and as they grow, clothes are sorted into them.

One box is the clothes that J will eventually wear,  and the other is filled with clothes that will never be worn again.

At least not in this family.

It is that second box that makes me a little sad.

Because in it holds all those itty bitty infant clothes that I would never have fathomed a human could  be small enough to fit into.

And after sorting it the other day, that box became two.

They each have their own special box, filled with the articles of clothing I know that I am not ready to part with:

• The long- sleeve top I bought as soon as I found out I was having M so he could wear it at Christmas.
• The turtle outfit that I just had to have but proved to be a pain while nursing.
• The outfits that Aunty Sam bought both of my children to wear home from the hospital in, that have matching blankets.
  
• The itty bitty screwdriver PJ’s I sent Grandma out to buy because nothing we had would fit M.
• The onesie that Cara bought M that was small enough to wear on his first day at home .
• The scrapbook top that Jenn bought but was seriously, seriously tiny.
• The last sweater that Great Grammy P will probably ever knit for a great grandchild .
• The first sweater Grandma H ever got to knit for a grandchild.
• The monkey outfit with blanket that M just had to have even though I bought it too late in the season and he barely wore it.
• The Vespa outfit that Lisa bought for M.
• J’s newbie PJ’s that were so tiny he barely wore them.
• The alien outfit with the crazy hat that I bought for J because it was tiny and funny and he needed something light those first few days.
• M’s go-to onesie from Aunt Norma
• The polo short outfit and Sailor outfit that Aunty Sam bought for J that he wore all the time his first summer.
• J’s go-to onesie.
• The zoom zoom zoom onesie that Grandma T bought.
• J’s go-to PJ’s.

I grabbed my camera and snapped shots of them because I wanted to remember what they looked like because realisticaly, those boxes may very well stay in my basement for decades.

They more than likely will not be lent out to friends with babies because I don't want another childs spit up on them.

Crazy, I know.

Instead they will collect dust untill one day, when they may or may not be moth ridden I will dig them out for my grandbabies to wear.

Maybe.

Tonights entertainment

Okay so here is the thing.



I don't watch a terrible amount of T.V.



CTV News is a constant hum in the background along with the Weather Network.



Since Friends I have found little on the tube that entertains me.



I recently jumped on the GLEE bandwagon.



So cute to watch.



Mainly because I am in awe of those with a voice.



If I could have one talent it would be to belt out a tune.



I digress.



The Bachelor?



OFF THE WALL!



Seriously?



That sh*t is whack!



Those girls have serious, serious issues.



Who goes on National T.V. and acts like a terd?



Who I ask you?



The majority have no class.



Zilch.



The lone Canuck looks like a doe caught in the headlights but at least she isn't seething venom at every turn.



But it's like watching a train wreck, I just can't look away.



And the guy?



*crickets*



Not my kind of man but what evs.



Another scintillating post tonight.



toodles!

The Grandma Effect

I am very lucky.


Very.

I have the good fortune of having my mother live with us.

She takes care of the kids when I am working so I don't have to pay daycare.

And we try to take care of her.

Time and time again though, she usually does a better job of taking care of us.

My house is always clean.

The lady actually enjoys cleaning....

My sister and I did not inherit that gene.

When I am working, dinner is 10 minutes from being on the table the minute I walk in the door.

She often sends me out when she thinks I need a break.

She lets me nap when she knows I have had a rough night with J.

She stays with J and lets me go out with M when she sees that he needs my undivided attention.

She even does B's laundry which I always tell her NOT to do.

If the man can't get the clothes into the basket he does not deserve to have clean clothes provided for him.  I’m just sayin…

M loves her.

LOVES HER.

She lets him do all kinds of fun stuff.

Play on her computer.

She made Christmas cookies with him when he was 18 months old.

She takes him out for walks in the rain so he can splash in puddles.

She takes him on bus rides just for fun.

She takes him to the park.

She lets him press all kinds of buttons.

Yep....he loves her.

So here is the kicker.

I hate it when I have to be the disciplinarian and he cries for her.

It kills me.

It makes me feel like I am not the primary caregiver.

Parenting at the best of times is the hardest job anyone will ever do.

I try very hard every day to be good enough.

And I hate to feel not good enough.

To feel like I am failing

.

.

.

Tonight M didn't want to leave Aunty Sam's.

He loves it there.

He was thrashing madly as we tried to put his coat and boots on.

Finally I just scooped him up sans boots and carried him to the car and buckled him in.

He was screaming bloody murder.

He screamed the entire 15 minute drive home.

Screamed.

SCREAMED.

Half way home he was crying for his Grandma.

In the house he was crying for his Grandma.

Grandma is sleeping over at Aunty Sams tonight.

No Grandma here kiddo.

My heart was a mess.

Do I not spend enough time with this child of mine or is it that he gets to have all the fun with her?

What is it about me at times like this that makes me  so repugnant.

And is it silly that it makes me jealous that he wants her?

These are not new feelings.

I noticed it in and around the time I was pregnant with J.

Mom would tell me if M woke up in the night that she would tend to him.

I would hear him and I would try to waddle my whale like ass down to his room.

I would see Grandma rocking him back to sleep.

If that didn't work she would take him into bed and they would sleep.

One night I got up and got to him before she did and he was upset that it wasn't her.

In a period of a month M had become accustomed to her night time cuddles.

So I started getting up with him again.

Cuddling him in the night if he needed it.

Whispering the sweet nothings that mamma's whisper in their babies ears.

And he started to need me again.

Or is it that I needed him?

.
.
.

What I think you are going to say is this:

Every child rebells against their parents.

Every child knows how to push their mothers buttons.

No one can replace a childs mother.

Even B who was reading while I wrote said: " Could you imagine if it was you that stayed behind and not Grandna....Holy Sh*t we would be in for it!"

But sometime I have doubts.

Doubts that I am giving him every little piece of me that he needs.

Doubts that he will grow up and that I will be his favorite person.

Am I even supposed to be his favorite person?

I'm not trying to compete for anyones love;  never have, never will.

I can only be me.

Maybe it's because I didn't grow up the way M is.

I didn't have a Grandma around 24/7.

Heck I hardly ever saw them before the age of 10.

So I can't relate to his love for his grandma. 

That's not to say that I didn't love mine, I just didn't see them often.

But I wish that I did.

I have cousins that saw Grandma and Grandpa every holiday and I always felt that they had a stronger bond with them then my brother and sister and I ever had.

So through all of this random, feeling sorry for myself, pity party rambling I only have this to say.

I thank God that my Mom is here with us.

Some people should be so lucky

Facebook is good for alot of things.....

.... and this Handbook to Happiness for 2010 that was passed my way is just one of them.  Enjoy!



HEALTH:


1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Make time to pray.

6. Play more games

7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.



PERSONALITY:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...



SOCIETY:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything..

28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.



LIFE:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come..

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.



LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

40. There is much happiness in sharing what you have learned with everyone you care about, I just did.

Sometimes he takes my breathe away

He Rocks!

* Caution: a very personal story ahead *




I remember vividly when my sister told me she was pregnant with her first child. We were lying on her bed and she kind of blurted it out.

I kind of burst into tears.

I was happy for her but I felt something in my heart ache.

Really, really ache.


I was twenty three at the time and I should have been the mother to a five year old.

I'll do the math for you.

I was seventeen.

I had dated a guy who did everything illegal under the sun. Drugs, stole cars, traded arms, and did a very unspeakable act to someone in his family. He also was not very faithful. For all of those reasons and a few others I choose not to share I decided in the eleventh hour not to go through with the pregnancy.

And let me stop you there if you think that I did the wrong thing. I don't need a lecture or hate comments. (Not that I would flatter myself into thinking there are that many people who read this blog.) I did what my under-educated teenage mind thought was right.

At that time.

And I would do it again, because he was not a person monster I would want anywhere near children.  Let alone mine.

When Sam had D,  I went to see her in the hospital. She had a very rough go of it. She was there for 5 days and I came and brought some make-up so we could take pictures of her all gussied up with her new baby. We had some good laughs and I was smitten. I think the first thing I said to my new nephew was that I would teach him all about chocolate.

And I have.

I went home to B that night and cried some more. I told him that night about my past and he was pretty good about it. That being said,  B is good about most things and forgets things quickly. And by forget I actually mean he forgot that I told him that some 5 years later. I also told him about my awesome new nephew who had the coolest name EVER!

I'd like to think that D and I have a special bond........in my heart we do.

When he was two I took him to the Museum of Nature and he ran around looking at all the bugs while I just stared and laughed. That day we ate McDonalds and oodles of chocolate chip cookies. He fell asleep on the bus on the way home and I had to figure out how to get him off and home to my sister without waking him. I did it but it was hard.

When he was three I took him to the Aviation Museum and we had a picnic outside of dirty bird Kentucky Fried Chicken. Again he was running everywhere inside that museum. He tired me out.

When he was around five or six we went downtown to watch a Movie (Madagascar?) We were walking hand in hand, eating huge ice cream cones, and he was telling me stories about old cars and I remember thinking "Man this kid is smart!" I used to love just to walk with him and listen to his stories.

When B and I started getting serious about having a family I knew I wanted a boy. I have said it for years. And it is all because of D. He is the coolest kid I know. He wears the coolest clothes, has the coolest haircut, and has intelligent conversations with grown-ups (me?) 

This kid has made my heart ache for years.

And I try to be a cool Aunty.  You know, not kissing him and doing the high five thing instead.  But when he comes to give me a hug my little ole heart just melts.

I tried to tell him how proud I was of him this summer after he graduated from elementary school. I missed the ceremony because my 2nd son was only weeks old and I knew it would be difficult to manage. I tried to tell him I always wanted boys because of him, how proud I was of the person he is becoming but I couldn't get the words out.

I never knew for a long time if I could have babies. I thought I did something terrible to my body as it took four years to conceive M. But I felt in my heart that if I wasn't going to be blessed with kids, if I had given up my only chance, that it would be okay.

I knew that I had my pseudo son, my nephew, and my godson.

And he rocks!

Life with a two year old.....

Charmed, I'm sure.....

In an instant

I snapped.
On three separate occasions.
Maybe it was just fatigue,
maybe it was this damn cold that hasn't left our family for 8 days,
maybe it was that he just.  wouldn't.  listen.

How many times does he have to climb the entertainment unit in one day?
How many times does he have to shake the christmas tree?
Stand on the table?
Try to climb on the stove?
How many times do I have to say no before he gets that what he is doing is dangerous?
How many times do I have to tell him to stop pressing the open/close button on the DVD player?
How many times do I have to tell him it is time for a bath?
How many times do I have to tell him to lie still while I put his diaper on?

Apparently one zillion.

Or at least that is what it felt like.

And it all ended with my coming so close to being the parent that I have no desire to be.

And I wonder if in his little head he wonders why I raised my voice so much today.
If he thinks I don't love him.
That he doesn't love me.

This Mom thing is hard.

And I feel like a complete lump of terd right now.
For letting my temper get the best of me,
For forgeting that he is two.
For sending him to his room......twice.
For having to pin him down to get his diaper on.

I don't like myself very much right now.
But I don't doubt my love for that kid.
I whispered how much I loved him as I stroked his little head as he climbed into bed,
I told him tomorrow I would try harder to be the Mom he deserves to have.

One that is patient,
That explains things better,
That puts child locks on everything so he dosn't have the opportunity to climb...
The one that doesn't have to struggle with her child in order to put a stupid daiper and pair of pj's on.


Tomorrow I will try.
Because it can happen in an instant.
And I don't ever want to  be that parent.