Todays random thoughts

• Feeling guilty for not wanting to go to the park and taking numerous car trips to stores to wander instead.

• Busy trying to organize every ones closet with their summer clothes so I won't have to search for anything in 4 weeks.

• Trying to decide on a name for this new guy. Needs to be a strong traditional or semi traditional name. Suggestions?

• Trying to make my ensuite bathroom "pretty" with curtains and nice containers to put all my crap that I won't be using for the next year in.

• Wondering what the heck that rash is on the back of M's neck is? Did I poison him?

• Wondering if I'll be able to breastfeed again and for how long?

• Wondering how I am going to take off this 50 pound weight gain.......seriously.......chubby wubby was not a bear.....chubby wubby is me. I hate my self right now. (read I hate the way I look right now)

• Wishing Kurt and Dad could meet M and this new little one....

• Hoping that this one will sleep better, and that I will too.

• Wondering what he will look like.

• Wondering if I sound as bad as I think I do when I am grunting whilst trying to get up of the floor.

• Wondering if posts like this are acceptable...........g'night

I'm not good at playing.

At least I don't really think I am.

I prefer quiet activities. Coloring, walking, reading, snuggling, observing.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't do as much with you as I see Daddy do.

But I think roughhousing is probably more fun with Daddy.

This week my heart was swimming with pride though.

You read(repeated) a whole paragraph from your bath time book.

AND..

Tonight while reading our bedtime stories, you were flipping through pages of one of your books and randomly said the words that went with the pictures.

Okay I know this is not reading.

I know it is repeating what you have heard over and over for the past two years.

I just can't help but feel that my daily and nightly reading to you has made an impact.

I never want to stifle you or make you feel that you have to enjoy a hobby that I enjoy, nor am I going to kid myself into thinking that when you are older you are going to be enjoying a book on the couch on a rainy Sunday.

You are to much like your Dad. I KNOW your weekends will involve golf, hockey, nascar...And I will be there to cheer you on.

If that is what you want.

But if you do want to sit on the couch and read a good book, I'll be at the other end of the couch reading mine. And every so often I will look up at you and my heart will swell with pride again as I remember that even though I am not good at playing, I was good at something else.

I love you kiddo.

What Brown can do for Me.

Be on time, for one.



Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about either.



You know you do the same thing.



You wait in anticipation everyday for it's arrival.



You have a sneak peak every couple of minutes thinking "it must be here by now."



You plan your day around Browns arrival. Heaven forbid you are out when he delivers.



You would think by now that Brown would be on time or somewhat better regulated. But noooooo it could be in the morning, afternoon or just before bed.



Instead I sit here waiting for Brown to make it's appearance.



I would really appreciate if Brown could work out some sort of contract with me guaranteeing it's state of arrival or some sort of consistency in the way that it is delivered.



I mean really, it is not fun opening up that package and it is everywhere.



Maybe Daddy needs to start waiting for those deliveries a little more often.

Then and now

Then:
In my closet: Pencil skirts, cute form fitting tops, suits.
On my feet: Stilettos, leather heeled boots, cute summer sandals
In my makeup bag: Estee Lauder anything.
On my dresser: Ralph Lauren Blue turquoise and Romance perfume, and clothes piled high after work each day.
Primping regime: Full make-up and hair style everyday with Velcro rollers
In my purse: Day timer, wallet, keys, lipstick.
Where I shopped: Jacob
What I drove: I didn't. Public transit was my friend
In my refrigerator: Fixings for a nice dinner right out of Bon Appetite
What I did on weekends: Whatever I wanted
When I went to bed: When ever I wanted
When I woke up: 6:30 AM
What I listened to: The latest and greatest, plus my old favorites from years gone by
What I watched on T.V. Reruns of Friends, Sex in the City, The News

Now:
In my closet: Clothes I don't wear. Jeans, t-shirts, and yoga pants
On my feet: Flipflops and running shoes, all flats thank you very much!
In my make-up bag: Your lucky if I put on Mascara
On my dresser: Perfume still there but never worn, no work clothes to put away.
Primping regime:Is that a joke? I shower and put my hair in a pony.
In my purse: What purse? I carry a diaper bag with my wallet in it.
Where I shopped: Walmart......seriously?
What I drive: Mazda 6 but in dire need of a wagon or SUV.
In my refrigerator: cheese slices, hotdogs, left over mac n cheese.
What I do weekends: Play, walk(waddle) and go to the park with my child
When I go to bed: 8:00pm...I am sooo lame
When I wake up: midnight, 2:00am, 4:00am, 6:00am: Take your pick, sometimes all of the above.
What I listen to: Fisher price Disco Baby
What I watch on T.V. :Treehouse, and M's favorite...The weather network.

Summary:
I have gone from a shoe loving, fashion loving, restaurant eating, money spending woman to a mom.

Would I change it?

Not on your life!

Scrapbook pages

Okay so lately I haven't really felt creative. I'm tired and I was working up until last week.

I had some spare time this week as I have been "napping" lately which means I am not tired until at least 10:00pm.

It was nice this week to do some pages. I missed it. I am not overly creative. This is the only hobby that has really stuck. I've tried sewing, cross stitch and a smattering of DYI projects but nothing that I have ever felt that I needed to keep up with until I was introduced to this "craft" from my very talented Sister who has actually turned this craft into something lucrative. You can see some of her work here: http://mymemorycorner.blogspot.com/

So these are the pages that I did this week. The first is of my very cute Nephew and Godson. I took these pictures last year around this time. I just love the look on his face. The journaling reads:

"What you see: A child enjoying the simplicity of being pushed on a swing. What you don't see: His mother and I enjoying the sight of a child who just wants to be pushed higher and higher"

The next is my son. I took these pictures on the same day. Journaling reads:

" I remember this day so clearly. We were taking a walk with Aunty S and Q. I remarked how cute I thought it was that when in the stroller you sat up holding on to the cup holders taking in all the sights. After a few minutes I noticed your head bobbing from side to side. When I stopped the stroller to lay you down you could barely keep your eyes open. You were trying to sleep while sitting up. So cute!"

If you are so inclined you can visit my gallery at two peas here:

http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/userprofile.asp?user_id=271470

That's all the creativity that you are getting from me today.

On a side note. I have been duped. Two weeks ago my Dr. told me were going to deliver 2 weeks early. Today I found out it is only one week. June 1st is the big day! 6 more weeks of backaches. YAY ME!!!!!

Reflecting back

The last week I have been thinking allot about what was going on in our lives over the past two years.

Two years ago from today I was starting my three week long stay in the hospital waiting for M to become mature enough to deliver. I sit here thinking that that three week stint was a blessing until my sister so kindly reminded me last night that I pretty much hated it. What I really hated were the invasions on my body; the constant change of IV lines that always took three times to find the vein, the blood tests every week to check my blood type ( unnecessary in my mind..once is enough, you can't forge your blood type people!), the two amniocenteses, the constant distractions at night, the lack of privacy..I could go on.

I guess the only thing that was good about it was the sleep. I could pretty much nap all day long if I wanted to, and I did. I found different ways to pass the time like counting the cars come and go on a Sunday morning, visits with friends, reading. Once I even called my boss and asked her if she wanted me to do some work....how crazy was that?

Today I thought that I am so lucky that I didn't have to go through that again (knock wood). I am enjoying my time with M. He woke up this morning and said to Grams "mommy home today?" We really are having some good quality time together. I am constantly thinking about how I am going to juggle my time once this new man enters my life. I know it will happen, everything will fall into place. Mostly I think it will happen because I am so cautious about making M included all the time. I can't help but think though that there may not be as many special moments or alone time with the new baby and I hope I am able to juggle that special relationship as well, so that he gets from me what I was able to give to M.

Do all mothers worry about these things? Getting the relationships with their children just right. Making sure they are equal. I know they do, that is what I'm told but it doesn't always make you feel like you can do it.

I will try my best. That is what I keep tell my self. I can only do my best.

On a less dramatic note, I did some scrapbooking today on pictures I took of M and his cousin Q last year in April. I will add them to the post in the morning when there is light and I can take a better picture.

Goodnight!

My Lunesta

Just 15 minutes.
That is all I am asking for.

We head upstairs to watch TV in hopes that I can just catch a wink.
I close all the doors and lock you in with me just in case I nod off.

You are playing.
I am listening.

Was I really expecting to do this with no one to supervise you?

You wander over with fake tea light in your mouth.
"it's a light!"
"yes sweetie it is a light, come sit with momma."

You sit between my legs and watch the Weather network.
I lean back against a pillows and think this is my chance.

Eyes close.
No real movement from you for 10 minutes.

Weird.

Open eyes and watch the back of your head.
Really? The Weather Network is that interesting?

Head bobbing from side to side.
Smile from Mommas mouth.

Your eyes can barely stay open.
My eyes can barely stay open.

I swing my leg over you and lay down.
I pray that this won't startle or rouse you.

You snuggle into me so close.
I wrap my arms around you and say a little thanks to heaven above.

I hear B come upstairs from his siesta and enter room.
Eyes are still tightly closed, if you try to wake us you are in trouble Mr.

You squirm and fight to get comfortable in my arms.
I think that your arm must be uncomfortable.

I quietly start moving all the pillows around so I can get comfortable.
One behind back, one behind head, one between knees.

You adjust yourself and snuggle in closer.
I pray that my arm doesn't fall asleep and gently stretch it out.

Eyes still closed.
15 minutes that is all I am asking for.

Turn the volume down low.
Change channel to the news.

Give you one last kiss on the head.
Give in to one blissful hour.

I will curse myself tonight when it is long past your bedtime.
I KNOW that 3pm is never a good time to do this.

Who cares.
Did I mention it was an hour?

The art of distraction

Situation 1:

M freaking out because he wants to watch Pokoyo for the millionth time on our PC

Solution :

The promise of a treat upstairs.

Situation 2:

M freaking out because he wants to stay outside

Solution :

The promise of chocolate milk inside

Situation 3:

M freaking out because he doesn't want his diaper changed. And by freaking out I mean kicking and screaming and getting poo everywhere!

Solution:

Me singing Old MacDonald had a farm at the top of my lungs.

Situation 4:

M freaking out because he doesn't want to get dressed.

Solution:

The promise of going outside which could lead to situation 3........

Situation 5:

M freaking out because he doesn't want to eat his fruit.

Solution: Dangle a treat in front of him, open the patio door and put a flower almost within arms reach and shove it in while he is trying to reach said plant. Reward with 4 smarties.

Situation 6:

M freaking out because he doesn't want to take a bath

Solution:

Start blowing bubbles towards the tub until he comes toddling in to try to catch the bubbles then quickly undress and plop him in the tub, all the while continuing to blow bubbles.

FYI that WAS our day yesterday.

32 weeks....and an Easter celebration.

We had another AWESOME weekend with family. Easter isn't really a huge holiday in our house. I was baptised catholic as a young "girl" not "baby" so I sometime feel that because religion was never instilled upon me at an early age that I never really embraced it as an adult. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the Church and all it stands for, but I feel I am more spiritual than religious. I admire my Mother who completely and wholly embraces her religion. She went to Church almost every day last week. To be honest I didn't even really know all the reasons why she was going. I felt like a bad Catholic, but alas, I accept my faults.

As I was saying my Sister and her family came over for Easter. My Mom made Ham with a whole slew of cold salads and angel food cake with strawberries for dessert. It was so frickin' good I had 3 plates. Yes that is correct.....THREE PLATES! yikes! And I wonder why I look like a cow.

I was pregnant 2 years ago at Easter and someone took this picture of B and I at my Grandmas house. I thought it would be fun to take another similar "belly to belly " shot to compare as I was as far along in the pregnancy as I am now.














And this is us now. Kind of blurry because my mom doesn't know how to take pictures very well.....she always presses the button before waiting for the view to come into focus....oh well. I really am so much bigger this time around.















And Just because he is so cute I'll throw in a picture of Monkey.















I hope your Easter was as blessed as ours.

Time

Since when could a bottle of this reduce me to tears?
















Is it because it represents a whole year and the passage of time?

Is it because every time I wash your hair I think you are just one day older?

Is it because I know that so soon I won't be washing your hair and giving you a bath every night ?

Is it because one day I know I won't lean over to smell your hair and it won't have that sweet baby smell?

I hate the feeling that time can slip through my fingers and I will never be able to relive those sweet baby moments with you.

I know that growing up is inevitable.....I know that I am being nostalgic. It's my right as your Mother. I just wish that sometimes it didn't hurt so much.

Nesting

We are closing in on the due date of this new little baby boy and I find myself trying to organize more than I did with M. I think it is because I never had the chance the first time around. I had some complications that landed me on my plump butt in the hospital around week 34 of my first pregnancy. And there I stayed for two weeks until M was delivered almost four weeks early by C-section. ( thank goodness for c-sections because I honestly believe that I am not capable of going through labour and delivery...and neither does my sister.)

I missed my Baby shower, I didn't get to shop for the bedroom furniture, no clothes were washed and put away where I wanted them to go ( In the beautiful dresser that I was supposed to buy). Instead I had a mini shower at the hospital thrown by my wonderful sister. I was wheeled down in a wheel chair in a pony tail and yoga pants and not my zebra print wrap dress and high heels that I had planned to wear. I didn't even spend the day at the spa like I had planned. I wasn't bitter...honestly I wasn't.

The bedroom furniture was never purchased. The money got put aside for big boy furniture to buy at a later date because after I got home from the hospital I realized I wanted M in my room with me. I also realized that all the things that I wanted to do became insignificant. I didn't care that the clothes were still in garbage bags ( my MIL washed them and sorted them into bags). I didn't care that there wasn't a nursery to bring baby home to ( my sister set up the bassinet right beside my bed for me). In my mind everything was perfect because we were home after our 3 week stint in the hospital. ALLELUIA!

THIS time is a little different. I feel as though if I get it ready NOW before I take 5 weeks off to enjoy the pregnancy and time with my family, if I do it before our world gets all topsy turvey, that nothing is going to happen. Its Murphy's Law that I'm trying to mess with. B laughed at me when I told him that this morning. Then he shook his head because he knows I tend to expect the worst. Screw you Murphy......I'm ready this time!!!!

The shower was yesterday.

My hair has been cut into an easy to do style.

The babies clothes are washing as I type.

The playpen is in the living room.

She doesn't know it yet but my sister is bring over the bassinet on Sunday.

Maybe even her rocking chair.........

There is a suitcase in my hallway that I will be packing on Wednesday after I air that stinkin' thing out.

The car seat cover is washed. Car seat will be install as soon as I vacuum out the car.

I'm ready. And I'm only 32 weeks tomorrow.

I'm scared. The 4th ultrasound is Wednesday and I just want that damn placenta to move up. I don't want to be away from M and B if it moves the wrong way again.

I'm excited. I scored big time yesterday with enough Gift certificates to buy this stroller.

I'm Happy. I think we may be closing in on a name that neither of us had contempated before. Ironically our two boys may have the same initials, just switched.

I'm Blessed. I couldn't have asked for a better family.

I'm tired

And I think I'm a little entitled.

It is I who has the belly that can't get comfortable at night.

It is I who has to get up at 4:30am to be at work for 6:00am.

It is I that gets up with M in the middle of the night.

It is I that gets up on my days off with M while you sleep.

It is I that is worried about the "Buck" right now.

It is I that will be getting up every two hours with the new baby in 7 weeks.

It is I that has been rotating the same three outfits for the last 5 months.

It is I that worries about everyone when the lights go out at night.

It is I that has to deal with the snide comments from the "Laws".

It is I that keeps falling down the stairs because my centre of gravity is off.

It is I that has to run to the grocery store and think about feeding the family.

It is I that takes care of all the little details so you don't have to.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do all of these things. Just as long as YOU remember this.........

I am entitled to feel tired.

I am entitled to feel weepy.

I am entitled to feel grouchy .

I am entitle to feel all of these things because I am a Mother.

I am also entitled to feel these things because I am human and humans have a variety of emotions.....Not just happy, happy and happy.

And Yes I expect you to understand.