Dear M

I just wanted to write you a little note to tell you about a big change that is coming our way. Tomorrow you are going to become a Big Brother. I know that we have been talking to you about this for some time but I don't think you really understand. All that space that you keep losing on Mommy's lap is because she had a baby cooking inside her for the last nine months.

I'm not going to lie, your baby brother isn't going to be much fun for you for some time. In fact I'm fairly certain the novelty will be lost on you fairly quickly. I'm hoping that you and your brother will grow to have a wonderful bond, and that one day you will be best friends just like me and Auntie Sammy. I know that this will take a little time but remember that family is the most important thing in life.

Mommy isn't going to be home for a couple of days. She has to stay at the Hospital until Thursday. Grandma is going to take care of you and she is going to bring you to the hospital on Tuesday and Wednesday to see me and your Brother. I hope you have a good time with Grandma. I will miss you soooooooooooo much. I have never been away from you overnight in your whole 2 years of life and it scares me a little bit. I know you will be fine. I just worry....that's what mom's do.

Daddy is going to stay with me at the hospital for the first night then he is going to be at home with you at night with Grandma. He is still going to go to work during the day so you will have time to rock and roll when he gets home.

M, I hope you know how much I love you and how very proud I am of you today and everyday. The last 5 weeks at home with you have been just awesome. I know I have been tired and I haven't really been much fun but I was so glad to have these last few weeks with you just to watch you grow, and to snuggle with you. You really have made my life a happy place.

I love you Monkey
Kiss Kiss
Mommy

M's Blankie

Heaven forbid it is absent before you go to bed.

And all hell would break loose if I even thought about taking you out of your crib with out it.

You need your snuggle with it throughout the day.

It has become a regular member at the dinner table snuggled into your booster seat with you.

It has spaghetti stains, milk stains, and I'm sure others I don't even want to imagine.

We almost lost it over the holidays at church but someone found it and returned it to the lost and found.

Good thing because we would have been up the creek.

I tried really hard to find just the perfect one to soothe you at night. To make you feel like you were safe and warm in your digs.

Many were auditioned. Only one was chosen.

Not your typical blankie but hey...what ever works for ya kiddo!

And he jumps!

Okay so this is going to be probably short and sweet. I just wanted to remember today as the day that M learned to jump. He looks so cute running around the kitchen island jumping 1 inch of the ground at 5 second intervals. There was allot of clapping and encouragement from this momma. My guess is that I may live to regret all the encouragement as he continues to jump and attempts to be Superman from the stairs or table one day. My day is coming....I know it is.

He is also starting to make the "PEE" connection. Tonight in the bath M stands up, looks down at ummm himself then starts to pee.

Me *giggling* : M what are you doing?

M *big smile* : I pee in the tub!

Cute!

He has also last week started putting things into proper context...I should have written some of them down but I didn't and now I forget and regret. JESH!

5 more days to go!!!!!!

One week to go!!!

The countdown is officially on.

Just in case your curious as to how huge I actually am here's a picture of belly taken today...cropped because I don't like some parts of myself.

You may notice the Tim Hortons ice cap. The picture was taken specifically for a layout that I am going to do with the entry below from this Blog. My sister and I thought it was too good of a moment that needed to be scrapped.

Not much else new. Just waiting and trying to keep busy.

And thinking about how different life is going to be.

OH yeah...and a layout I did as a present for Sis. Just a cute picture of her and her husband that my mom took last fall at Valleyview farm here in Ottawa. My mom is normally not great at taking pictures but this one turned out great. I wanted to crop it and sharpen it but she developed it for me then erased her memory card. It is still cute it is think. I was going to keep it as an anniversary gift but thought it might be too cheesy so I gave it early.

It's 6:00am...Do you know where my child is???

He is still ASLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!

The storm seems to have passed exactly one week from which it started.

And what a terrible week it was. Fevers, constant night wakings, counting sleep in one hour intervals that don't even fill up one hand........UGH!

There were several beds made on the floor with catnaps while M played/whined and mommy tried to rest and block his attempts to climb things at the same time.

Last night was bliss. I woke only once and M not at all. It is amazing what a blissful sleep you can get when complete and utter exhaustion set in.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

And as I type this there motion from the baby monitor and I hear my monkey stir and wish his dear old raggedy puppy a good morning.

Off to start our day.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Feeling a little down

As per my FB status.....there really is nothing worse than taking care of a toddler who is running a fever, when it is like 90 degrees and I'm practically nine months pregnant.

Okay there are worse things.

I could be the mother of little Tori here in Ontario who was abducted and subsequently they have just charged someone with her death. I don't even want to write the "m" word.

I could be the wife of golfer Phil who was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

I could live in a war torn country and live in fear everyday.

There could be a million things wrong with my life but really, I think we are pretty lucky.

I am just feeling sorry for myself being so huge and uncomfortable. I am so spoiled with the help of my Mom. I swear every time she is not around everything seems to go wrong.

So for tonight I sit and drowned my sorrows the best way I know how.

Three scoops of Vanilla bean ice cream topped with one banana and a huge dollop of Dulce de Luche.

YUM.

Wednesday randomness

Only twelve more days to go........this is what is on my mind:

• I had a dream this morning that the baby was here...he was very cute.
• Starting to feel better and get my strength back after a little virus this weekend, only to come home from DR. appointment to find M sick.
• Feeling overwhelmed about the possibility of having to go back to work earlier than anticipated.
• Feeling a little alone and disconnected.
• I had to have blood tests today due to a spike in my blood pressure...baby might be early after all.
• I'm stuck on one name and hoping that B and I will agree on it.
• Having allot of sleepless nights....in preparation of more to come.
• And lastly I did some scrapping last night which took way to long but I missed it. I usually don't do pages about me but I felt the need to scrap this one.

I should have listened.

You know that little voice inside your head that tells you not to do something.....
The one that is ALWAYS right......
The one that whispers "I told you so" after you disobey.....?

I should have listened.

Wise ole Sis even said " I hope it doesn't hurt when your pregnant."

And it did.

Hurt.

Like a son of a B*tch!

I've done it a million times in a pinch.
I have all but abandon the spa to rely on this sort of maintenance.
Why pay $25 bucks when I can do it for $10.

But that little voice told me to pay extra and trust a professional this time.
They will do a more thorough job.
The Doctors and Nurses may not be offended by your lack of grooming,
But I sure as heck will be.

I went against my judgement.
I did it myself.
I should have bought that new brand for first time users....maybe it would have hurt less.
My coordination was all off.
I couldn't see a dang thing.
I'm sure it was a spectacle.
I slammed my fist down on the counter to dull the pain.

It hurt.

ALLOT!

I should have listened.

Today

When did he go from this:

To this?

I know it was over the course of 730 day but it still seems like yesterday that I was reminded how small and fragile life really was.

I was reminded today to enjoy my time with M.

Soon chaos would ensue.

Soon life is about to get so much louder.

Soon I will need to be an octopus.......8 arms and all.

And today I enjoyed it being just us two.

Even though I was so tired I built a bed on the floor at the base of the stairs so M wouldn't climb up without me knowing it and slept with one eye open, and one foot on the rocking chair while he watched Pocoyo for almost one hour.

Even though he threw one of his now famous after nap fits that I am starting to get used to.

Even though it rained and he was bored and I dragged him around a mall and grocery store just to get out.

Even though my back was killing me and all I wanted to do was lie down all day.

I still tried to make it memorable.

One ride around the block in the red wagon that took all of ten minutes.

Pretty sure it didn't go down as one of the most special days in his memory.

But it did in mine.

Because it was just us two from sun up to sun down.

Because I was rewarded by a random hug and kiss for no reason, without even asking for it.

Because I know soon life IS going to change.

And it will be for the better.

And I will survive it.

And I will love it.

But for today I was happy it was just me and him.

Getting it right.

Warning......this post may only be humorous to two people.

Myself being one of them.

I have had a constant craving for about two years now.
It is for this sweet blended coffee smoothie topped with whipped cream delight.
It is not from Starbucks, although I did venture through that phase as well.

It is from a Canadian Icon.
Some say the coffee house to end all coffee house.
I don't drink coffee so I wouldn't know.
I'm a tea drinker.
And they make good steeped tea.

The almighty Tim Hortons.

Which I think was bought out by an American conglomerate several years ago.
Tisk Tisk.
Nothing against Americans by ANY means.
It just bothered me that WE sold out.........

Anyways.

So as of late I have been having these cravings if you will.
For one of their Ice Cap Supremes.
You know the one with all the whipped cream that I'm sure has no dairy in it what so ever.
The one drizzled with Caramel.
The one that is making my mouth water NOW!

So off we go to Tims to get said drink for preggers who can hardly contain herself.
I watched them make it with concern.
I could tell something was wrong.
Buddy handed it to me.


NO whipped cream and no caramel.
WTF!

I sent it back.

It came back to me with whipped cream...but still the caramel was MIA.

Buddy....come. on.

What does he do?

He squirts the Butter Caramel flavour shot that is supposed to go into the blended iced coffee on top of my whipped cream.

I am outraged.

Sister is standing by.
Looking at her watch.
Looking at me.
Gotta pick up the kidlets from the bus.

I sent it back again.
Some veteran Ice Cap Supreme maker steps in and remakes my drink.
Drink gets handed over to now snooty looking pregnant woman.

"You better taste that" says Sis with an air of authority.
I taste it and it is fine.
"Isn't that their signature drink?" Sis says.
"Don't get me started...."

Fast forward one week.
Pull into a Tims on my way home from Dr. office.
Sudden craving has hit.
No Drive through.
CRAP!
I am not going in.
Pull out and carry on down the street.
Spot another Tims.
Pull a u-turn and head for the drive through.
"Is that illegal?" asks Mom.
"Yep but I need an Ice Cap."

Frickin Ice Cap machine is out of order.
Is God trying to tell me something here?

NO MORE ICE CAPS FOR YOU!

I find another Tims closer to home.
Place my order.
Buddy hands it over.

*GASP*

Chocolate syrup drizzled over it.....
"Um excuse me....didn't I order the Butter Caramel?"

"Oh....I thought I'd give you chocolate......do you want me to change it?"

Ya..I want you to change it a*s-wipe, I think to myself.

No never mind I say with a sigh and drive off.

It didn't taste good.

I threw half away.

Fast forward to yesterday.
We walk over to Tims.
DO I dare?

I place my order.

One medium steeped tea with one milk.

One honey cruller.

One sour cream glazed.

I look at him tentatively.

He is the same guy that screwed it up last time.

"Any thing else?"

And one.

Medium.

BUTTER.

CARAMEL.

ICE.


BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.


Sister starts laughing hysterically at me.
I start laughing hysterically at me.
He starts laughing hysterically at me.

"I just want a medium Butter Caramel Ice Cap Supreme...you know the one with whipped cream and caramel on top." I gasp out between laughter.

Don't ask why this is funny.
It just was.

Tears were streaming down my face as I waited for my creamy delight.
Partly from a sheer desire to have this drink and partly from fear that they won't get it right.
I watch someone make it.
It looks right.

"You better taste that" says Sis with an air of authority.


Oh I did....I did.

They got it right.

It was good.

Maybe I'll try again today.

Feeling Guilty

M is going through a new phase.

Over the past few days he has become very clingy.
"I wanna come up"
Translation...Mommy please carry me around everywhere.
Apparently he still hasn't caught on to the fact that I am 81/2 months pregnant.
I am just not as agile as I used to be.
He will also grab my hand if I am doing something and walk me away from said task.
He wants my undivided attention.

And I got frustrated today.

I want him to love me more than anyone.....Selfish I know.
But I did make him......
Yes I know not ALL by myself.
But mostly.

Still.
Preggers has her limits.

So that's why I feel like crap.
He needed me today.
And yesterday.
And probably the day before.

And I felt like something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it.
He had a flushed cheeks yesterday, but not the teething kind.
Just really blotchy.
And tonight during his bath I noticed a rash.
Around his neck, a little on his back, and some on his tummy.
Not big, but a small smooth little dot kind of rash.

Panic of course set in.
Cereal yesterday that came in contact with nuts.
A granola bar today that had peanuts.

SH*T!

What is wrong with me?
Why don't I catch on to these things more quickly.
He is obviously not feeling 100%.

It's not like I brushed it off.
I silently thought it to myself for the past couple of days.
But I didn't want to over react.

And now I sit here panicked.
What if he has a bad reaction in the night.
What if he is really sick.
I google all the things that cause rashes on small children...
NOT reassuring.

I have already informed B that it may very well be a long night.
I feel so guilty now for not holding him more today.
For trying distraction methods instead.
Which in case your interested, didn't all work.

I should have known something was wrong when he refused chocolate milk.
And yes I still dilute it.....

I should have known.

Shame on me.

Todays diet

Breakfast: Honey Bunches of oats with a sprinkling of pecans, English muffin and a bite of M's banana.

Lunch: 1/2 a salami and provolone cheese sandwich on sourdough, bowl of grapes and blackberries.

Dinner: About 14 thousand skor/chocolate chip/pecan cookies.

I went on strike and figured that if no one was going to cook for me I wasn't going to cook for anyone. (anyone being Husband. I fed my Kid dinner, albeit pasta, pogos and peas)

Writing this while brushing the 14001 cookie crumb off my shirt and cursing that Guida Delaurentis for having such good cookie recipes.

Night Night.

Thank You

Thank you for showing me the way,
for always believing in me and for letting me dream.


Thank you for always supporting me, guiding me and encouraging me,
For always thinking I was the one who could do no wrong when clearly I did something wrong.


Thank you for helping me make some of the hardest decisions I could ever make without judgment,
And for hugging me after I made those decisions and regretted them.


Thank you for your constant inspiration with faith and with people,
For teaching us all the little things that make a family.


Thank you for helping me become a mother,
For your gentle encouragement when I feel like I am messing up big.


Thank you for all the sleep-ins, clean ups and meals,
For all the walks to the park, all the stories and all the love I see in my Son's eyes when he looks at you.


Thank you for providing our family with some laughter,
And for laughing with us even when it is at your expense.


Thank you for excepting apologies from me so readily,
and for trying to see things my way when it is not the way you see things.


Thank you for being the Mother that I want to be and a constant inspiration.


Happy Mothers Day today and everyday.

Torn

I'm not the type of person who befriends quickly.
In fact I really don't like most people.
I find them hurtful, judgemental, resentful and jealous.
And I get hurt easily.
So when I reach out it means that I want to.
But I need to do it in my own way, at my own pace.

That is why it is so hard sometimes to break that tie.
It's not you, It's me.
I don't want to be hurt or judged.
I just want to be liked for me.
Not because of what I can do for you.
But what we can do together.

Trust me.
It ain't easy.
B eggs me on in some cases.
"Do it! Do it!" He says.
I remind him that it is easier for a man then a woman.
We are too invested in our relationships.
In other cases he tells me he thinks I'm wrong.
You weren't there.
You don't know what they said, did or didn't do.
You didn't read between the lines of their asinine comment.
"Your paranoid" he would reply.
Am I?
Or am I just better at reading people then you are?

Really what it comes down to is trust.
You have it from the get go once I let you in .
You do something to break that trust and I'm out.
Sorry to be harsh.

My Dad once told me that you could count all your true friends on one hand.
The rest are just acquaintances he said.
I have believed that for so long.
Maybe I have lived by that thought to literally?
Maybe if I let go of that thought friendship would come more easily?
Or maybe I'm too much like him?
Maybe I just like my smallish circle of people I talk to.
Maybe.....
Or maybe you just pissed me off and I'm still hurting.
Maybe I forgive but don't forget.
Or maybe it is both.
Maybe it is easier not to put yourself out there that way you don't get hurt.
And maybe I am still hurting.

I'll figure it out.
I usually do.
Sometimes time heals the wound and sometimes it doesn't.
I've lived through it before.
Life goes on.
And so will I.

Patience

It is not one of my virtues.

For years at every job interview when asked what my biggest opportunity for growth was it was always the same answer.

At every performance review.........the same answer.

And I have gotten better. I swear I have.

I can't help it if I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face gives all my feelings away.

It doesn't mean that I am not in control.

I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have if I weren't in control.

It just means I'm passionate.

SURE.

And now when faced with the hardest job of my life I'm overwhelmed by having to practice this "skill".

Especially today.

It was instantaneous I swear.

You turned two and all hell broke loose.

Three tantrums the day before your birthday.

Three on your birthday.

Two the day after your birthday.

And three today. It is not even 4:00pm btw.

Serenity now....serenity now.

Am I going to be able to deal with this?

I don't think pulling rank is going to work.

I hate being hit and kicked......pretty sure your baby brother isn't into it as well.

I can't even figure out what the problem is for some of these tantrums.

You literally woke up screaming from your nap, which was over 3 hours long, and didn't stop for 30 minutes.

Distraction didn't work.

Ignoring it didn't work.

Gentle scolding didn't work.

And losing my temper only made me feel like a bag of crap.

Does anything work?

And why is it that over the past 4 days I see 2 year old angels everywhere, holding their mummy's hands and leaving parks without a scene?

Why is it that these tempers aren't for Grandma or Daddy?

WHY ME????

God please grant me the patience to get through this year.

Please let me be a good mom.

Please let me teach you patience.

Please let me lead by example and show you the right way.

Please and Thank you.

Before Two (Edited)

Tomorrow at 3:19 pm M will turn two. These are just some things I want to remember before the memories slip away.

"Those are nice shoes!"
"Those are awesome shoes!"
"Nice shoes!"
"Those are great shoes!"
(Interchange anything with shoes.)

"It's a beautiful day!"
(even when it is raining)

"HI!!!!!!!!!" "Hi there!" "Hi Everybody!"
(to random strangers, or yourself in a mirror, or us when we get home.)

"That was a good sleep!"
(even when you didn't sleep, but when you did your voice is hoarse and it sounds very cute.)

"Goodnight....Sleep tight..."
(lying on our bed and pulling up the covers with a big grin on your face with absolutely no intention of going to sleep)

"lets get in the tent"
"Daddy's in the tent"
"Mommy's in the tent"
(what you say when we build a tent with our covers)

"ROCK AND ROLL!...........forever)
(when Daddy is playing Guitar Hero or Rock Band)

"You funny"
"I funny"
"me funny"
(screaming this while running around the island in the kitchen.)

"abcdifg"
(reciting your ABC's randomly)

"Bye Bye.... have fun......see you soon...."
(when someone is leaving the house)

"ooookay let's go down"
(what you say when you want to go down to the basement to play)

"I full.....full tummy"
(what you say when you have had enough to eat,and if not tended to quickly enough you start flinging food)

Lying in bed in the morning and listening to you through the monitor sing a barrage of songs including: London bridges, Head and Shoulders, Theme from Backyardigans, Rubber Ducky, Old Macdonald, Transformers and Row your boat.

"Hi Mr. Moose! He's your buddy he's your friend
(what you say to our cat)

"A piece um"
(what you say when you want whatever I am eating)

"That's why we need to be careful"
(what you say when you fall and hurt yourself....eek)

"that's a fast slide"
(what you say when you go down a slide, include the slight incline on our bathtub)

"Good boy...I need a walk.....I need a book"
(your first phrases)

"I lub you"
(the way you say I love you)

"duuuuuuude, wicked awesome"
(What Daddy taught you to say and what you say after each song in the car ends)

"School bus.......BUS!......Truck!"
(recognizing vehicles on the street)

"Aunty Sammy"
(please see comment below....lol)

"fix it please"
(what you say when a toy isn't put together properly and you need to play with it)

"I watch pocoyo"
(hmmm obvious....Thank god for you tube!)

" I missed you too"
(how you greet me when I get home from work.)


The way you can recognize the titles of all your books and repeat certain verses of these books.

The way you hug and kiss.....Both are kisses and you haven't learned to pucker you just lean right in.

The way you could count to 11 by 18 months.

There are too many thoughts and too many memories that I didn't jot down and I am so afraid I won't remember. I just want you to know how very proud of you I am now and always.

Happy Birthday Monkey.

ps...I reserve the right to add to this post as I remember....